Oh my goshness this book is -- WAIT WHAT? WHAT HAPPENS? NOOOOOOOOOO | Spoilers and their deadliness

June 20, 2016

Whenever a spoiler is mentioned, my first instinct is to scream out loud, trying to avoid as much of it as possible, while simultaneously screaming for the cops to arrest the person spoiling books for innocent book-nerds. Of course, I was told this was too…. extreme, and the cops have more important things to do. (What? What is this mysterious deed that is deemed more important than sustaining book-nerds’ rights to remain un-spoiled?! Get your priorities straight, people!!) However, what I usually actually do is either a) Cover my ears and scream “LA LA LA LA” to try and prevent my ears from being corrupted, b) Shrink to the ground and curl up into a ball, c) Run away faster than Hussain Bolt or d) all of the aforementioned. The methods usually work. (If you scream loud enough.) (And almost lose your voice and go deaf in the process.) 

In one sentence: Spoilers make me want to throw myself into a black hole or crawl into an inescapable abyss.

But Rekha, you may ask, surely spoilers can’t be that bad? It just reveals a tiny thing about the book. They shouldn’t trigger 50,000 feels and put you on survival mode, right? Well, my response to that, you ruthless human, is NO! Why, you ask? Here’s why:

  • The word “spoiler” contains the word “spoil” in it. Spoil, as in “diminish or destroy the value or quality of” spoil. Spoilers spoil the book, and the whole reading experience. It’s not fair that the spoiling-demon gets off the hook for ruining a whole story. I mean, nobody wants to read a book in intense misery, right?

  • I will turn into my English Lit teacher and start “critically analysing” everything and write a mental 6 page essay about every sentence. Let’s say I’m reading a book called “The life of Bob”, and you tell me Bob dies. I will now go back to the beginning and break apart every sentence, looking for clues and foreshadowing that indicate said Bob’s impending doom. I will be mentally writing an exam, not reading a book! This immensely takes away from the enjoyment of the book, and makes the fangirling very non-fangirls.

  • The impact of plot twists is reduced. Plot twists are written so people are left sitting with their mouth hanging, open gasping melodramatically and mind-blown. Do you think that’s going to be the result when you’re SPOILED? No! The beautiful twists and turns the author has carefully crafted are shattered, and catapulted from 6000 miles away into a huge trash can. How are we supposed to retrieve that beautiful (yet sometimes heartbreaking) feeling now? 

  • You are left an emotionless, blank monster. If you are already told what happens, you already experience the feels of the spoiler (including depression and PSSD - Post Spoiler Stress Disorder) when the destroyer of dreams spoils you. Therefore, when you read the actual, feel-crushing moment… you keep calling Marco but POLO IS DEAD! Why? Because Spoilers. Your feels have barely recovered from the PSSD. You expect them to go through that again? Nuh-uh. There is no way your feels are waking up from their deep recovery coma. Therefore, the feel-crushing moment loses it’s job because the feels are brain dead, and the reader/book-nerd/fangirl/fanboy if left looking like a bottomless cesspool of heartlessnessss. (That totally made sense, what are you talking about?)

WAIT A MINUTE, before all you others start screaming at me because you like spoilers or don’t mind them... I applaud you.

Of course I wish I didn’t have to go through the series of emotions that I mentioned when I’m spoiled (which is quite often, because I have a friend who loved to spoil me. He will pay.) The fact that you manage to stay composed when you’re spoiled amazes me, and I'm happy that you continue to stay sane and be awesome. (And if you have some spare composure, please pass it on to me.) I just can't even begin to understand where all that calmness comes from.

(A (few)small question(s) to you people who intentionally look up the end of the books though: WHY? HOW? WHAT? HOW MANY HEAD INJURIES HAVE YOU HAD? I cannot fathom why you would spoil a book for yourself! I have a friend and a cousin who read the ending of a book first, and I just sit there, questioning their sanity like… 

If any of you do this, can you please tell me why? I will try to understand the workings of your (unusual) brains.)

What are your thoughts about spoilers? Like em? Hate em? Detest em? Fear em? Love em? Why? TELL ME YOUR REASONS so I can comprehend the inner workings of your mind and use them against you (just kidding.) Do you agree with what I’ve said? Let me know your (non-spoilery) thoughts down in the comments. I want to ramble on with you guys for centuries!


P.S : PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR SPOILING THE BOOK “THE LIFE OF BOB” FOR YOU (although it is just a figment of my own crazy imagination. Still, spoilers are unacceptable. I guess I’m a hypocrite since I went against my whole post. Huh. I shouldn’t be allowed on the internet…

P.P.S - Is it spoiled or spoilt?

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Hey There! *Waves Frantically* Thanks for stopping by! Please share your thoughts down below! I love reading and replying to comments! Comments make me happy :D